How do I tell my 4 year old he might not be going back to school?

One of the hardest things I've struggled with during this pandemic is watching my 4 year old go through all the changes that have come with it. 

My heart seriously breaks when I think about telling my 4 year old that he might not be going back to school this year. He wants to go back so bad, but at the end of the day we have to protect him and our family. I worry about how it would affect his health if he caught it and the rest of our family. His baby sister will be born shortly after he starts. There's so much unknown about this virus I just don't feel like he'll be safe going back.  

He's signed up for the upcoming preschool year (he has to do preschool twice due to the age cutoff for TK), but I honestly don't even know if that's something he'll attend. His school district just put out their plan for reopening this year and I'm really disappointed looking at it. The classes will still hold the same amount of kids (20+), face masks will be required, no field trips, no outside food for birthdays. There's so many changes that preschool won't be the same for him and I can't imagine sending my 4 year old to school like that. How do you even keep that many young kids safe while trying to get them to enjoy being there? 

When this all began my son was in preschool. It was his first year and he was LOVING it. He loved his teachers and all of his friends. He really enjoyed everything they were doing in class and he learned so much. It was only 3 hours a day/5 days a week but it was something for him that was his own outside of his brother and his home. Before preschool he could be really shy and standoffish at times when it came to playing with other kids. Preschool really helped bring him out of his shell. And just like that it was all taken away. His teacher did what she could with Zoom meetings every week to keep the kids in contact while they finished out the year but it was hard for him. Most of the time he wouldn't participate with the class. He would just sit and stare and be really quiet. He's used to FaceTiming his family but I can't imagine how confusing it was for him to see his teachers and classmates on a screen and not in a classroom. When we drive by his school he tells us how much he misses his friends and asks when he can go back. It's really so heartbreaking because we don't have the answers for him.

I feel like I'm robbing him of some of the most crucial times in his life for social interaction and learning but no one is going to protect my kid like his parents. I have to take my momma heart out of it and do what's best for my child but right now I am so confused on what that is. 

Being a SAHM

I remember when I used to wonder what I would do when I had kids. Would I be chasing a career? Or would I be in a position that I could be a stay at home mom? I was never really set on a career after high school. I went to college but wasn't happy with the degree I had chosen. Deep down I always knew that I wanted to be able to be there for everything with my kids. All of their school activities, field trips, sporting events, etc. I dreamed of having that front row seat. 

Right after my husband left for basic training (literally 5 days after he left) I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. There was really no question on what I would do anymore, I was going to be a stay at home mom. The moving around a lot, not having family near us to help, the cost of daycare, the horror stories you hear about kids at daycare. This is what was going to work best for our family. A couple weeks before my husband's BMT graduation I left a job that I had been at for 3 years. I was sad to be moving on from that job but I knew I would be leaving soon to be with my husband. 

I was 13 weeks pregnant when I moved to my husband's tech school location. We were starting from scratch. All we had was the little bit that TMO packed from his parents house and whatever I was able to shove in my tiny chevy spark. A bed, couches, dishes, everything had to be bought when I got there. We lived in this little apartment right across from the base. I loved it because it was our first home together, where we were starting our life and family. My husband was in class all day every day, or always had something to do. Which I knew moving down that that's what it was going to look like, I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Since I wasn't working I would just sit at home all day. I didn't know anyone and we didn't have family anywhere close to us. We didn't get to do a baby shower or really share our pregnancy with our families. It became a little lonely but we made the best of it and made some pretty awesome memories in that apartment. I still miss it sometimes. 

It wasn't until we had our first baby and moved to our first duty station that I started to realize what exactly I was giving up by becoming a stay at home mom. My husband does shift work and once we got settled in to our new base his shifts were overnight. It was such an adjustment. We had a 3 week old baby, first time parents, just moved to a new state, no family, no friends, my husband was sleeping all day and working all night. It was just me and our baby.

I didn't realize the guilt that would sink in for not bringing in an income.

I didn't realize the pressure I would feel to be everything and do everything. I felt like I needed to be the best housewife and stay at home mom (all totally pressure from myself).

I didn't realize how lonely I would feel or how much of myself I would lose. 

I didn't realize how much I would feel like I needed to be doing more with my life than just being a stay at home mom.

But that's the thing. I'm not JUST a stay at home mom and I hate when people say that. "You're just a stay at home mom" "you're lucky you get to stay at home with your kids all day" "what do you do all day?". You're right, I am so dang lucky that I get to be at home with my kids every day. I LOVE IT. There's literally nothing else I would rather be doing and I hate that there's such a stigma around being a stay at home mom because there is SO much that goes into it. The job is endless but it’s so rewarding. All these things I didn’t realize I was giving up, they’ll be back one day when my kids are grown. For now, I’m okay with the change because they are worth it to me and I know that I will miss these days. 

I started working at the age of 16 so I was used to having a job, making my own money, and paying for the things that I wanted. Becoming a stay at home mom was such an adjustment for me, and it still is. I always feel guilty for doing anything for myself, whether that be going out with a friend to lunch or treating myself to a manicure and some clothes. And y'all this is no one's fault but my own that I feel this way. My husband is the most supportive person I have ever met in my life. He is always the first one to tell me to treat myself, chase your dreams, live your life, be and do what makes YOU happy. ALWAYS. It has taken me such a long time to realize that just because I don't bring in money doesn't mean I'm not doing anything because at the end of the day I do A LOT. 

There are days that I go t0 bed feeling so defeated and guilty. Was I too hard on my kids? Did I do enough? Was I enough? And then there's that suffocating anxiety of feeling like it wasn't enough and I need to be better. I beat myself up for losing my temper, or for needing just ONE minute to breathe and not hear the word "mommy". I'm still learning after almost 5 years to give myself some grace, and to understand that it's okay to need a break. I still have to remind myself to not be so hard on myself on the bad days because they will happen. We're only human and we make mistakes. The important thing is that you pick yourself up, reset, and give it your best the next day. 

To all of my stay at home momma's - I see you. I see the work you put in every day. I see your struggles and your guilt. I see you hiding in the bathroom trying to catch a breath. Just remember that it's OKAY to take that break, to buy that shirt, to grab that lunch with a friend, to treat yourself because dang it you deserve it! Make sure you take care of yourself because your babies need a happy mom, not a perfect one. And ALWAYS remember that you are so important and what you do is important too. You are not JUST a stay at home mom, you're a freaking rockstar 💜

Our Pregnancy Scare

This one is a struggle to write because it's still our reality, but I want to share our story.

It's a long one so bear with me y'all. 

Starting from the beginning, my first trimester was pretty routine. Exhaustion, nausea (which was new because I didn't really have that with the boys), ya know all the first trimester things you get. All my blood work had been normal up to this point. Our first ultrasound looked great, the two appointments after that baby girl's heartbeat was good and healthy. During the first trimester I decided to have my first prenatal screening done through a company that works with my OB's office which checked for down syndrome, trisomy 13, etc. Their screening is just a little more in depth/accurate than the states and we were able to find out the gender! Everything came back normal with this test too. 

Fast forward to the second trimester. At the end of April I had my second trimester blood panel done. A week later I get a call from my OB's office. I missed it by a few minutes but they didn't leave a voicemail. I called back and the front desk person told me they didn't leave any notes so she wasn't sure what they called for but she would have someone call me back. I thought it was really weird and I was telling my husband something wasn't right. Sure enough I get a callback from my doctor, and when I realized it was him my heart sank. Normally you get a call from a nurse if there's things they need to go over with you. He told me that some of my blood work had come back abnormal and that I needed to see a specialist. He told me our baby might have spina bifida or there could be something wrong with the environment she was growing in. I asked him to hang on so he could repeat everything to my husband. I got my husband on the phone and he started going over everything with us. He was telling us if she had spina bifida we had options, like surgery in utero or after she was born but there was only a few states in the country that performed this. Then he started to tell us if everything was okay with her it could be a problem with my placenta not functioning properly and she might have to come out early. 

Y'all, it was like my whole body went numb and I just couldn't process what was being said. At the time we didn't have a lot of questions because we were still in shock. When we got off the phone I lost it. I was hysterical, shocked, scared. My husband and I took a couple of hours to process and then called back with more questions. Basically just asking for it to be explained better and what we were looking at. He explained to us the levels that were elevated and how all of that works. It was gibberish to me, but it was my AFP levels that were elevated. There wasn't much he could tell us because he needed more information than what we had. He was very open and honest and told us given how elevated my AFP levels are, it was unlikely that there wasn't something wrong. He put in a referral to a specialist and we just had to wait for them to contact us. I called the specialist the next day and they hadn't gotten the referral yet so I reached out to my insurance company and had them push the referral. Unfortunately that didn't help. The specialist had a process they had to go through and told me it could take up to a week for the doctor to review and approve my referral. I got the call from my doctor on a Monday, the specialist reached out to me on that Thursday to schedule an appointment but wasn't able to get me in until the FOLLOWING Thursday. 

When I say this was the longest 10 days of my life I'm not kidding. My husband researched spina bifida, which I chose to stay away from, and I researched on mom forums for people who had high AFP levels. We came across so much information that I didn't know what to think. I read so many stories of women who had gone through this and their baby turned out to be okay but they ended up with complicated pregnancies, like delivering baby early, preeclampsia, growth restriction of the baby. Some women did have scans where it came back that there was a birth defect, and some women even lost their baby. All kinds of stories. The unknown of it all was the hardest, scariest part. When my husband would say things about spina bifida I would just ask that he didn't tell me anything anymore, that we would just cross that bridge when we got there. Not that we would love our baby any less if that were the case, but there are different kinds of spina bifida. Some cases your child can live a somewhat normal life, and sometimes that's not the case and it can be fatal to your child. That just wasn't something I could bear to think about. I was already terrified of losing my baby. No one ever likes the thought of that but all I could think was, "she has a name, she's a part of us, part of this family. I can't imagine her not being here." I cried every single day until I had my specialist appointment. It was like I had no control. I would tell my husband I felt like I didn't know how to function at the time. I just laid around and cried. There were a couple of days I was literally so sick to my stomach and overcome with anxiety I was throwing up. I felt so helpless for my baby girl because there was literally nothing I could do. 

Thankfully I had a 20 week anatomy scan scheduled before we had found this out and it was a couple of days before I was meeting with the specialist. At this ultrasound I explained to the tech what was going on. They aren't allowed to tell you much and she told me she wasn't a radiologist but she was able to give me a general idea that baby girl looked healthy to her. Spine looked great, brain, heart, everything that they look for on the baby's anatomy seemed okay. This gave us a little bit of hope but I wasn't ready to let my guard down because I had been told the specialist will do a much more in depth ultrasound than the scan I was getting at 20 weeks. 

Finally our appointment rolls around. Unfortunately I had to do this alone. They aren't allowing visitors at the moment, just the patient. Talk about feeling all of the emotions. First you meet with a genetic counselor. She went over everything that could be wrong with my baby and told me we had a 1 in 8 chance of something being wrong. She talked about surgery and things we could do if something came back abnormal, she even went on to talk to me about termination. While I understand this is their job to make you aware of everything that could happen, I was totally thrown off by this. I could just feel the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and fear getting worse. She told me I had high AFP levels and given those levels they were very concerned. She also said that if there was nothing wrong with the baby it could be something like a low functioning placenta. After meeting with her I went back to the lobby and waited to have the ultrasound done. I was so nervous and scared. They called me back for my ultrasound. The tech was great, she walked me through everything. What she was looking at and that things looked great for our baby girl. Then the doctor comes in, she didn't even look at me. She walked right in and went straight to the ultrasound machine. She didn't introduce herself until she started the ultrasound. She was basically just looking over everything again for herself. When she was done she told me that the baby looked fine but my levels were high so she's still concerned. She said when levels like this are elevated and the baby turns out to be okay they start looking at the placenta. She told me a list of things I was at risk for and said she'd see me in 8 weeks and we'd go from there. I left feeling a little more confused than when I went in because she didn't explain things very well. It was the worst experience. 

Thankfully, my OB has been a rockstar through all of this and went over my results over the phone with me. I also had an appointment with him shortly after that ultrasound so we were able to go more in depth with the results. He told me I was at risk for preterm labor, preeclampsia, growth restriction for baby girl (where my placenta stops providing all the nutrients she needs and she falls behind in growth), and low birth weight. He said these things typically don't start to happen until later on in the pregnancy and that he was going to have to watch me closer than someone who has a normal pregnancy. He was very honest with me and told me these next few months are going to be challenging but he was going to be there whenever we needed to answer our questions. We've been so thankful for him through all of this. We really feel like he has mine and our baby's best interest. 

I have an ultrasound at the beginning of July with the specialist to check on her growth and to double check everything to make sure she still looks healthy. My OB said if this ultrasound is okay and she's growing the way they want her to, he will start monitoring me and baby girl at the hospital twice a week starting at 32 weeks until she's born. If she's not growing how she's supposed to, or something comes back abnormal, I'll have to start being monitored sooner and she may have to come out earlier than expected. He's also going to get with my specialist after the ultrasound and see if I need to be induced a little before my due date instead of letting me go into labor on my own. 

So that's where we're at right now. It's just a waiting game and it's one I don't want to play anymore. This has been such a scary and trying time. We still have such a long road ahead of us and I honestly cannot wait until she's here. That's when I'll feel better. 

I will definitely be updating y'all throughout the rest of our pregnancy.

Thanks for reading, y'all 💜

Covid-19 and Pregnancy

We found out we were pregnant at the beginning of the year and this one was a surprise for us. We had talked about having one more but I said I wanted it to happen on its own time, that it would happen when it was supposed to. It came at a time in our life that had been so crazy for us the previous months before. My family had been going through some medical news that we were trying to adjust to and figuring out what life was going to look like for us. Although it seemed like life had been such a struggle for a few months, it was like it came at just the right time. We needed something to shine some light for us and something more positive to focus on. I truly feel like our baby girl was placed in our life at just the right time and for all the right reasons. 

And then here comes the coronavirus... the dreaded coronavirus. It's like that one person who comes in and sucks all the joy out of something for you. I feel like it's taken so much away from our pregnancy and it's hard not to be so mad about it. Our boys are old enough to understand that we have another baby joining our family and they have been so excited! I was so happy that they were going to get to experience the appointments with my husband and I. One of the reasons I chose the OB that I did was because I had read how great he was with kids and how he would let them help find the heartbeat. My husband and kids got to go to one appointment with me, ONE. It was our first appointment we had with the OB, the ultrasound one. They got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. They were finding out for the first time that they had a baby brother or sister coming, boy were they shocked. 

These appointments with them went away just as fast as they started. The next appointment I had I was informed I wasn't allowed to bring visitors with me anymore. Since the coronavirus broke out, I've gone to these appointments alone, which makes me so sad. It's our last baby and it's always been so important to my husband that he be there for these kinds of things. I record the heartbeat for him but it's just not the same as being there. 

For the last couple of months the only time I would leave the house is to go to my appointments and come home because I am so afraid of what would happen if I caught the coronavirus while I'm pregnant. I just recently started doing grocery pickup so I could get out of the house for just a little bit. Last week was the first time I had gone to my best friends house in literally 3 months. We had a family vacation planned for July. We were going to stay at my in-laws and my dad, brother (& niece & nephew), and my sisters were coming with us. Big 'ole family reunion. I couldn't wait to see my family. We hardly get to see each other and this would have been the first pregnancy I got to share with them in person. Unfortunately, we had to cancel that trip and my heart is broken. I miss my family so much. Being in the military and living so far away from our families, we already miss a lot of each other's lives. I just wanted so badly to share this with them. I haven't bought any maternity clothes for myself because the two times that I tried to get things online, none of the clothes worked and I had to send them back. I wish that I could just go into a store and pick out some cute clothes, show my bump off. Do all the things. 

I'm worried about what my delivery will look like. Will my husband be there with me? Will my kids be able to come meet their baby sister in the hospital? We have family that's supposed to come in and help around the time she's born, is that going to be allowed to happen? All this unknown is so scary. I know there are people out there who have it far worse than I do, but this virus has affected everyone in some way or another. If you're pregnant right now, you understand my emotions, my fears. Just know you are not alone. It's just another chapter in our book of life.

Aside from all the heartbreak that has come with this virus, there has been light in the dark days. My husband has been able to be home with me and the kids for the last couple of months. We've been able to have so much family time and for that I am so thankful! Family/family time has ALWAYS been so important to me so we've definitely been soaking up all of the time we have had together. My husband has also been such a huge help as this pregnancy has been hard on me. Totally different from the other two but we're pushing through. Everyday I pray for the strength to get through all of this and be the person my family needs me to be right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel. A sweet baby girl to add to our family and we are all so over the moon excited to meet her. We are so extremely blessed. 

Thanks for reading, y'all 💜

Who I am & why I'm here

Hey y'all! 👋  Welcome to my first blog post! 

*For this first one I wanted to introduce myself and give a little bit of background on why I decided to start a blog so here we go.*

    Hi! My name is Ashley. I grew up in a small town just right outside of Knoxville, TN. Home sweet home to me, good 'ole Rocky Top, woo! Am I right? This is where I met my husband, my high school sweetheart. Shortly after high school, we left that small town and moved away to Hawaii with his family for a few years (his family went out there for a job). One of the best experiences of my life and I have his family to thank for that. If you've never been, GO. I promise you won't regret it. While there my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I worked and just took it all in. There was so much life to be lived and experience to be learned from that place. I met some of the greatest people there and made the best memories. It's honestly a time in my life I will never forget. After living there for a few years my husband's family's job was taking them to Las Vegas and we were going with them. Right before leaving my husband FINALLY popped the question. And when I say finally, I mean at this point we had been together for 4 years (minus the few ups and downs along the way) and I had followed this man across the world and was about to do it again so I was ready for it. Obviously I said yes. 

    So this was in July of 2014 and we moved that same month to Las Vegas. Shortly after getting to Vegas, my husband decided to take a leap into the military. This is something we had talked about on and off for about a year or so before he actually got serious about it. It was just something he wanted to be absolutely sure about. He took his ASVAB in August of that year. He did great and was making moves to joining the Air Force all while we were planning our wedding, a destination wedding at that. We decided to get married back in our hometown so we could be with all of our friends and family. The easiest way to do this was a wedding planner and man was she awesome! She made it so much easier on us. We got married December of that year (2014). Fast forward to probably about March of 2015, 3 months after we got married, we got word my husband got his job for the military and he was leaving for basic in April. Y'all life had been moving so fast and it was scary. My husband left at the end of April for basic training and literally days after he left I found out I was pregnant with our first child, talk about life changes. There were so many emotions, I was feeling all the things because my husband was gone. Thankfully I was still living with his family so I had the support of them and also my family back home. That's a story for another blog post though. 

    Now here we are. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5. We are 5 years into the military and are stationed in Northern California. I am a stay at home momma/wife taking care of all the things inside our home. We have two handsome boys, 4 and almost 3 (yup, 17 months apart), and expecting our baby girl in September. 

    I'm starting this blog because I need an outlet for myself and I figured what better way than to pour my heart out into some writing. Between being a stay at home mom of two young kids (almost 3), a military spouse, someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I feel like I have so much to share with others who could relate. So many times when I've gone through something I've looked for people I could relate to, or just something to show me I'm not alone with the things I'm feeling or struggling with. I also look for the uplifting, motivational, positive things. I want to be that for people, someone that people can relate to and not feel alone or someone they can look to for motivation and inspiration. I want to be a light in a time that it's needed. I'm going to share all the things: mom life, military life, the highs and lows, home decor, diy's, etc. You name it, I'm doing it. 

So here's to my lifestyle blog. A look into our chaotic, yet awesome life. I'm so glad to have y'all here 😊

*you can also follow me on IG: @southernraisedhome*