Being a SAHM

I remember when I used to wonder what I would do when I had kids. Would I be chasing a career? Or would I be in a position that I could be a stay at home mom? I was never really set on a career after high school. I went to college but wasn't happy with the degree I had chosen. Deep down I always knew that I wanted to be able to be there for everything with my kids. All of their school activities, field trips, sporting events, etc. I dreamed of having that front row seat. 

Right after my husband left for basic training (literally 5 days after he left) I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. There was really no question on what I would do anymore, I was going to be a stay at home mom. The moving around a lot, not having family near us to help, the cost of daycare, the horror stories you hear about kids at daycare. This is what was going to work best for our family. A couple weeks before my husband's BMT graduation I left a job that I had been at for 3 years. I was sad to be moving on from that job but I knew I would be leaving soon to be with my husband. 

I was 13 weeks pregnant when I moved to my husband's tech school location. We were starting from scratch. All we had was the little bit that TMO packed from his parents house and whatever I was able to shove in my tiny chevy spark. A bed, couches, dishes, everything had to be bought when I got there. We lived in this little apartment right across from the base. I loved it because it was our first home together, where we were starting our life and family. My husband was in class all day every day, or always had something to do. Which I knew moving down that that's what it was going to look like, I just didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Since I wasn't working I would just sit at home all day. I didn't know anyone and we didn't have family anywhere close to us. We didn't get to do a baby shower or really share our pregnancy with our families. It became a little lonely but we made the best of it and made some pretty awesome memories in that apartment. I still miss it sometimes. 

It wasn't until we had our first baby and moved to our first duty station that I started to realize what exactly I was giving up by becoming a stay at home mom. My husband does shift work and once we got settled in to our new base his shifts were overnight. It was such an adjustment. We had a 3 week old baby, first time parents, just moved to a new state, no family, no friends, my husband was sleeping all day and working all night. It was just me and our baby.

I didn't realize the guilt that would sink in for not bringing in an income.

I didn't realize the pressure I would feel to be everything and do everything. I felt like I needed to be the best housewife and stay at home mom (all totally pressure from myself).

I didn't realize how lonely I would feel or how much of myself I would lose. 

I didn't realize how much I would feel like I needed to be doing more with my life than just being a stay at home mom.

But that's the thing. I'm not JUST a stay at home mom and I hate when people say that. "You're just a stay at home mom" "you're lucky you get to stay at home with your kids all day" "what do you do all day?". You're right, I am so dang lucky that I get to be at home with my kids every day. I LOVE IT. There's literally nothing else I would rather be doing and I hate that there's such a stigma around being a stay at home mom because there is SO much that goes into it. The job is endless but it’s so rewarding. All these things I didn’t realize I was giving up, they’ll be back one day when my kids are grown. For now, I’m okay with the change because they are worth it to me and I know that I will miss these days. 

I started working at the age of 16 so I was used to having a job, making my own money, and paying for the things that I wanted. Becoming a stay at home mom was such an adjustment for me, and it still is. I always feel guilty for doing anything for myself, whether that be going out with a friend to lunch or treating myself to a manicure and some clothes. And y'all this is no one's fault but my own that I feel this way. My husband is the most supportive person I have ever met in my life. He is always the first one to tell me to treat myself, chase your dreams, live your life, be and do what makes YOU happy. ALWAYS. It has taken me such a long time to realize that just because I don't bring in money doesn't mean I'm not doing anything because at the end of the day I do A LOT. 

There are days that I go t0 bed feeling so defeated and guilty. Was I too hard on my kids? Did I do enough? Was I enough? And then there's that suffocating anxiety of feeling like it wasn't enough and I need to be better. I beat myself up for losing my temper, or for needing just ONE minute to breathe and not hear the word "mommy". I'm still learning after almost 5 years to give myself some grace, and to understand that it's okay to need a break. I still have to remind myself to not be so hard on myself on the bad days because they will happen. We're only human and we make mistakes. The important thing is that you pick yourself up, reset, and give it your best the next day. 

To all of my stay at home momma's - I see you. I see the work you put in every day. I see your struggles and your guilt. I see you hiding in the bathroom trying to catch a breath. Just remember that it's OKAY to take that break, to buy that shirt, to grab that lunch with a friend, to treat yourself because dang it you deserve it! Make sure you take care of yourself because your babies need a happy mom, not a perfect one. And ALWAYS remember that you are so important and what you do is important too. You are not JUST a stay at home mom, you're a freaking rockstar 💜